“Nuclear football” is the nickname for the briefcase containing essential information to be used by the president in the event that a nuclear attack occurs while he is away from command centers, and while this is more or less common knowledge, it seems like it might not be so obvious to the one guy who needs to know about it most: President Biden has placed a letter to his future self inside the nuclear football.
Uh oh. Does he think it’s a time capsule or something?
Earlier today, after boarding Air Force One, President Biden was reportedly seen slipping an envelope labeled “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2033” into the nuclear football which was sitting at the feet of a military aide who was also on the flight.
The envelope was immediately removed from the briefcase and examined by military personnel who suspected it would have information regarding the nuclear plans. However, the letter, addressed to “Future Joe” contained no commands intended for a hypothetical future nuclear attack, but rather, appeared to be merely a letter that the president had written to himself as a way to capture the essence of his life in the year 2023.
A copy of the letter appears below:
Dear Future Joe Biden,
Greetings from the past! It’s currently January 2023, and I hope that by the time you’re reading this, you’re the president of the United States. PSYCH! You already did that!!!! I’m president right now!
Are ya still married to the old ball and chain? If not, I trust that you did what was right. Not everything is meant to last, but I know you’ll handle whatever happens with grace and courage.
A century from now is a long time, but I hope, above all, that you’re staying true to your heart. You’ve always marched to the beat of your own drummer. You zag when they say zig, and zig when they don’t say anything. And sure, you might love too much and fall too hard, but you’re a renegade, Joe Biden. Never let that fire inside you burn out.
Dam, I got deep! I hope you’ve also had a ton of fun and spent plenty of time kicking back watching Hulu on the couch!
I’ve included a couple mementos from the present to jog your memory of the person you once were. Included you’ll find a Pinkberry punch card to remind you of your favorite dessert, a glue stick to remind you of your favorite type of glue, and a USB drive containing Adele’s “Hello” to remind you of your current favorite song!
Also, if the technology exists for you to send a letter back to me—PLEASE DO! I promise I won’t get all spooked out, either! All I ask is that you mention the code word “JOE BIDEN” at some point in your message so I don’t get duped by any imposters!
I’ll leave you with this: Promise me that you’ll take time for yourself and take breaks when your body needs them, as you’ve always struggled with overtraining at the gym.
Past Joe Biden
Oh, Joe… this is embarrassing. Is anyone gonna tell him that the nuclear football is not a time capsule?
Woof. Looks like Joe Biden spent a lot of time on that letter, but the nuclear football just isn’t meant to house keepsakes from the past. It’s a briefcase full of important documents. Still, we do hope that someone helps President Biden get the letter into a real time capsule sometime soon, because it was clearly written straight from the heart!